I have a history: of trying to pry the security dye capsule off a pair of pants I LEGITIMATELY bought (but was too lazy to take back to the store)...of using Sharpies to cover bleach spots, and then needing another something that erases Sharpie marks...of supergluing stuff that requires spackle or caulk, or, caulking things that require spackle...or using whatever happens to be around to patch holes (homemade papier-mache, for example). I've even jennymoored my hair. Have you tried hair dye on your eyebrows--haphazardly? That's JENNYMOOREING IT to the next level.
So tonight I jennymoored my sinuses.
I fall prey to a sinus infection every year or so. And nothing makes me fantasize about strange remedies—like shower nozzles and vacuum cleaners focused up my nostrils—than a sinus infection. My entire face/nose/head region has been driving me bonkers for a few weeks now and I KNOW! I should see a doctor at this point! But who has time for that because: HOLIDAYS. And anyway, I can totally handle this myself, DUH...which (spoiler alert) is the basis for all epic jennymooreisms.
Enter oregano oil! A home remedy with only anecdotal evidence of efficacy. But hey, desperate times. I bought myself a vial while I was at the grocery store and was so excited to use it that despite nothing but the satisfaction that "oregano oil" and "sinuses" have Google searches in common, and no other preparation than to confirm that the oil in my vial was in fact diluted, I went ahead and hopefully droppered some right into each nostril. Boldly, during Middle Sis's piano lesson, like someone with nothing to lose.
And then the fire began. An intense burning sensation spread quickly up my nose and into my eyes and throat. My nose felt suddenly swollen by two sizes. My heart started pounding. I sneezed and both my nose and eyes watered profusely, so I wiped my nose on my sleeve and then used the SAME sleeve to dab at my eyes, thereby spreading the offending cousin-of-stinging-nettle oil to EVEN MORE MUCOUS MEMBRANES. I tried to remain calm and quiet and NOT PANICKY! while marveling at how crazy my face and head were feeling and wondering if I would be scarred or disfigured from this self-inflicted horror. A strange numbness then took over and my nostrils throbbed along with each beat of my heart. I silently wallowed in regret.
When the piano lesson ended minutes later and our beloved piano teacher turned to talk to me, I was visibly weeping and ruefully attempted to explain my sinus remedy mishap. She offered me a lifeline in the form of tissues and we wished her happy holidays. We walked to the car; I, smelling like pizza and hoping I could drive home, muttering recriminations about my impulsive purchase and how I would soon be offering oil up for free on the "buy nothing" Facebook group of which I'm a member. I recalled that growing up, there was banter about substituting oregano for marijuana or mistaking one herb for the other. Back in the day, you know. When the prospect of ODing on oregano was a FUNNY JOKE.
Meanwhile, the spectrum of sensations wrought by said oil did serve to momentarily distract me from sinus pain.
So as I write this I predict that if I am cured of my maladies by tomorrow, I will dip into the oregano again, maybe in another year when my sinuses have me banging futilely on my temples and the memories of searing sinus flames have dimmed.
Otherwise, free oregano oil to the next hapless victim! Or, expect to be served some richly oregano-infused pasta sauces at my house. To be eaten, not snorted.
