Tuesday, November 4, 2008


Our country appears to be leaning blue, at 7:45 PM PST (do some of you go to bed on the East Coast with our nation somewhere on the spectrum between lilac and magenta?).

But before I sound a "barbaric yawp" of celebration...

This morning, all I knew was that Change was a Sure Thang, and I was in charge of providing Snack for our Staff Snack Club. We take our snacking seriously. Sometimes it's the highlight of Tuesday.

Below, find my "recipe" for Bipartisan Snack, as well as our high school's Snack Club Manifesto (it's goofy, I know--written by me The English Teacher, several years ago, when CLEARLY I had tons of essays to grade).

Bipartisan Snack

· Blue Corn Chips with Red Salsa and Black Bean Dip

· Red Peppers and Tomatoes with Blue Cheese Dressing

· Blueberries and Red Raspberries and Strawberries with (Majority or Minority) Whip Cream

· Lollipops: Red and Blue (But they’re all Dum Dums)

Served on Purple Battleground State Plates

The Snack Club Manifesto

Snack Club Time shall consist of:
a) converging upon the Library
b) on Tuesdays
c) during the period of our High School’s “Nutrition Break”
d) to eat Snack.

Membership of Snack Club is to be determined by one or more of the following:
a) consistently loitering in the general area,
b) being of age older than 18
c) contributing Snack (by rotation, on the calendar)

Leadership and Procedures:
The leadership of Snack Club generally resides in the hands of the bossiest, most controlling member.

Conditions of Snack Club Membership

Snack Club members must adhere to the following rules (or see consequences below):
a) consistently show up for Snack, asking who made it and what is it
b) provide Snack at appropriate date and time
c) participate in Baby-Jesus-Cake-Epiphany Event (Your chances of getting the Baby Jesus increase exponentially if you don’t show up on time that day in January…we’ll save you a piece of cake!)
d) eat Snack.

Nature of Snack

Snack must have the following characteristics:
a) be food-like in appearance
b) be abundant in quantity
c) be homemade, store-bought, salvaged or borrowed
d) be sweet or savory or both
e) be healthy or unhealthy; fat-laden or fat-free***
f) be delicious or not-quite-so; we’ve even been known to eat just-plain-not-so-good.
Note: Snack need not be holiday-, season-, or time-of-day-appropriate.

If You Wish to Remain in Snack Club, Please Refrain from the Following:
a) forgetting Snack when it is your turn
b) unilaterally canceling Snack Club Time(s)
c) insulting Snack Provider
d) failing to appear at Snack

Consequences of Infractions

Failure to appear at designated Snack Time, to provide Snack, or any of the above, will result in:

a) First infraction: disdainful talk about you in your absence, jokes at your expense (if in your presence, it is appropriate to place blame elsewhere or otherwise manufacture a scapegoat for your oversight)****
b) Second infraction: Snack Probation. We are not sure what this means. It is marked mainly by heightened disdainful talk, more jokes.
c) Third infraction: It is our experience that members of Snack who go this far to distance themselves from Snack opt out of the Club voluntarily, which is wise, due to the potential for mob mentality and security concerns.*****

*day of week and time of Snack subject to change according to needs of membership and unforeseen schedule changes.
***Perhaps not our first choice.
****It is not OUR fault YOU forgot Snack! Quit sniveling about the abuse you’ve suffered as a consequence and resolve to do better next time! Or else!
*****Once you are in Snack Club, it is VERY HARD to get out without being subjected to deprogramming procedures.

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