Monday, November 19, 2007

Mother Lusts

I was in a bookstore this weekend and saw a book called "Mommy Porn" or something, with a photo of a shirtless dad/dude vacuuming. I chuckled and thumbed through it, I lust for the far more practical, actually, and men don't even need to be involved... here's my wishlist:

1. Drive-By Grocery Pick Up: Trust me, I have had deliver to my home and appreciate the convenience it offers, but I am talking about something far simpler and more spur-of-the-moment: I want to be able to call the store from my cell phone while picking up my kids from daycare with an order of a measly grocery bag full of the essential items I need to make dinner tonight and the lunches tomorrow. I'd like some (ok, maybe good-looking male) person to run out with my credit card receipt and bag as I drive by.

The point is, I don't have the time or patience to unbuckle my kids and take them into the store with me when they're ALREADY tired and hungry, and when all I need is some bread and milk and tomato sauce, dammit, and it's already 6 PM.

2. Preschool Pick-Up Runner: I would like my daughter's preschool to have a designated person who runs inside when he/she sees my car coming and returns with my daughter, her lunchbox, etc. Then I don't have to park and bring my other reluctant child inside with me. And carry both of them and a lunchbox and preschool art and preschool flyers and cajole them back into the car. I imagine teachers too would like to us sometimes to get our kids and GET OUT. I would use this service 75% of the time. The other 25% I would enjoy seeing the other moms, dads, and teachers. Everything in moderation.

3. Airport Grandma: I would like a background-checked grandmother available on every flight and at every airport restroom for the mother or father with more than one child and who cannot leave bags nor children unattended when one child needs to take a 20-minute poop. This nice lady could: 1) watch the younger child run willy-nilly through the terminal, or 2) take the pooper into the restroom while I supervise willy-nilliness, or 3) change the younger pooper's diaper in the airplane restroom while I remain seated and entertaining the remaining gremlin. Have you ever tried to fit yourself and two small children and fold out the diaperchanger thingamajig in the airplane restroom? This is why one of my children needed a diaper change for the duration of the flight today and didn't get it.

In retrospect, it may be curious that Southwest Airlines refuses service to customers who aren't dressed properly but not to those who have soiled themselves :).

Here I am whining about wanting a little more with my already modern conveniences, but *sigh*. I suspect I will add to this list before too long.

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